Within minutes of meeting you, a woman begins to describe to you how she is suffering from multiple illnesses, how she is putting up with a difficult husband and ungrateful children, how she had to fight tooth and nail in her life to get to where she is, ... etc.

In essence you could say that this woman is simply sharing her life experience with you. In reality however, she may be one of the large number of people in the Muslim world and elsewhere who practice "woundology," the use of their pain and suffering to manipulate those around them, to get their attention, and hopefully to get them to rescue them.

Specialists have studied this phenomenon to try to find out why so many people choose to carry their painful problems so proudly through life, to define themselves by the awful things that have happened to them [1].

Woundology is a form of addiction and some people simply seem to be addicted to pain.

When you ask people about addiction, they usually assume that you are talking about drugs or alcohol, or perhaps about smoking or food. The reality is that addiction can take on many different forms. Some may be addicted to the television, movies, or the Internet, while other addictions are less obvious. Do you feel like you have to be felt, seen, or heard? Do you feel like you can't stop judging yourself or others? Do you feel like you have to be right? These are addictions as well. In the world today, including the Muslim world, seeking everyone’s approval and wanting to control other people have become the addictions of many. Among them is the victim complex, the addiction to being a victim and its counterpart for others, the addiction to being a rescuer [2].

For reasons beyond their control, the majority of people in the Muslim world doesn't know any better [3] and hence deserve our sympathy and compassion. They need help and the way to help them is to make sure they don't remain addicted. For example, if an emotionally mature person is facing some difficulty and is seeking a sympathetic ear, you are certainly encouraged to offer your support. On the other hand, if the person seeking your attention is a chronic weeper, then you have a different story on your hands. Again, you are encouraged to offer your support but in this case however, the needed support is on how to empower the individual and not on how to rescue him/her. Otherwise, you would be reinforcing the illness and perpetuating the addiction [4]. It would be comparable to treating a drug-addict by supplying him/her with drugs instead of making sure that he/she becomes drug free.

In order to really help addicts, you have to understand what they are really suffering from. Their real main problem is that they have been disconnected from the Divine Source of joy, contentment and happiness. They have lost their connection to Allah (swt) and as result they feel a "void" inside and lead lives of restlessness, insecurity, and sadness. Instead of working on re-establishing this connection with the Divine however, they turn to some external (outside of themselves) measures such as people, food, drugs, etc. in a desperate aim to fill that void.

For the practitioners of "woundology," trying to fill the void within themselves at the expense of other people has two main outcomes:

1- For the “woundologist”: bleak despair, agony of yet more bitter disappointment, and a sense of icy hopelessness and doubt. The fact is There is no peace but the peace of God. As mentioned in a Hadith Qudssi,

They need to accept this fact and save themselves and those around them any/all unnecessary struggles.

2- For their counterpart rescuers: feelings of depletion and lack of energy. Eventually, they wind up being angry at the victims and persecuting them. This will cause them to feel guilty, which in turn, forces them to play the "rescuer" role. In, reality these rescuers are equally as lost as the person who plays the victim role. [5]

Remember

* When you do anything, you are either doing it for the sake of Allah (swt) or you are not.

* Helping another for the sake of Allah (swt) will get you closer to Allah (swt), and hence you will feel more peaceful. This of course depends on your intention. It is important to have a conscious and genuine intention (one from within).

* Feeling at peace is not the same as feeling free-of-guilt. Guilt may drive you to do something for another person. When you do so, you may end up feeling "lighter." This sense of "relief" does not necessarily mean you got closer to God; it just means you got rid of that guilt.

* Helping another because you feel "compelled" to do so, because you were manipulated into doing so, or because your are addicted to obtaining the approval of others, will make you feel depleted, frustrated and even spiteful and/or hateful. Another way to say this is that you probably didn't do it for the sake of Allah (swt). This doesn't necessarily mean that you are a bad person. You may have been robbed of your own freedom by being forced to play the savior role. Whatever the reason, it is time to stop. Stop playing the savior for people stuck in their victim roles; and the only way to stop playing a game is to stop [6].

* Trying to hinder another's freedom always costs you your own. Using others in your attempt to be happy or to seek satisfaction in your life will inevitably add to your misery. Better to only seek the company of Allah. Better to only concentrate your efforts on pleasing Him (swt), and then you will surely be please. “Isn’t Allah sufficient for His servant?” [7]

wassalamu alaykum
Ahmad

Endnotes:
[1] Also wrong  although not as obvious  is defining ourselves by the good things that have happened to us.

[2] This topic will be addressed in subsequent posts. If you need more information now, search the web using the keywords "Drama Triangle". One site is http://www.itaa-net.org/ : a major source for Transactional analysis; a school of social psychology. Another good reference is www.ta-tutor.com/ztatutor.html.

[3] We can list many reasons for this: illiteracy, lack of proper education, poverty, political and economical injustices, etc. The main thing to pay attention to Quran 13:11 "Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves" so the solution is within us, i.e. within our control.

[4] Check the book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

[5] Check the work of Claude Steiner http://www.claudesteiner.com/. Also check [2] and [4] above.

[6] Some references about psychological games where people get stuck in certain roles: "Games People Play" by Eric Burns, "Achieving Emotional Literacy," and "Scripts People Live" by Claude Steiner.

[7] Quran. Chapter 39, Verse #36.

Finally, a good method to let go of wanting to control, wanting approval, and other addictions (of thoughts and behaviours) is the Sedona Method. Check http://www.sedona.com/ and the book "The Sedona Method" by Hale Dwoskin. Another good book that can help you in this regard is "The Pathway" by Laurel Mellin.