In a healthy family much attention is paid to the growth and development of the children.  Their physical and emotional needs are consistently met and the child feels safe, valued, and loved.  The child knows with 100% certainty that someone will be there to take care of him.  He knows his thoughts and feelings will be listened to and considered important.  Experiencing consistent nurturing and love are his birthright.  All these things are his, automatically and unconditionally.  He owes nothing in return.  He is special because he exists.  He does not have to earn these things.  He can trust that his family will be there for him and that this trust will not be violated.  Home is a refuge from the world and a place where energy is spent making the world safe as well.

In a dysfunctional family the needs of the children are not of major concern.  Their needs are not the main focus.  The family is not child-centered.  The physical needs may or may not be attended to, but the emotional needs are met inconsistently, if at all, and rarely, if ever, in terms of what the child wants and needs.  The focus in a dysfunctional family is to make children compliant and to reduce parental stress.  The child as a person with her own needs and desires is lost in the process. 

Contrasting aspects of healthy vs. unhealthy parenting patterns

1.   
H. The job of the parents is to take care of the children
U. The job of the children is to take care of the parents

2.   
H. Messages are clear and understood.  If they are not, they can be questioned
U. There are double messages, leading to confusion and guessing
   
3.
H. The child is always loved even if the child's behavior is unacceptable
U. The child is shamed and the person is confused with the behavior

4.   
H. Personal boundaries are respected
U. Personal boundaries are unclear and often violated

5.   
H. All feelings are tolerated
U. Feelings are often violated and are therefore repressed
   
6.   
H. The parent is a teacher and guide
U. The children bring themselves up the best they can
   
7.
H. There are reasonable limits and structure
U. There is chaos or extreme rigidity
 
8.
H. Demands made on children are age- and developmentally appropriate.
U. The child is asked to demonstrate pseudomaturity or is infantilized
   
9.
H. Children are affirmed regularly and automatically
U. Children are made to feel unworthy and unlovable.
   
10.   
H. There is organization and planning as well as the ability to respond to a crisis
U. The members respond from one crisis to the next, and when crises don't exist, create them.

Salam
Ahmad
Source: “Healthy Parenting”, by  J. Woititz