Give Up Your Son [1]

In the days of Zul-Hijjah, we remember the story of prophet Ibrahim
(pbuh) and his son, prophet Ismail (pbuh).  We remember how Ibrahim was
bestowed Ismail at an old age and how much affection he must have had
for Ismail especially when the latter, as described in the Quran, was
gentle & forbearing (Haleem)[2].  We also know how Allah (swt)
ordered Ibrahim (as) to sacrifice [3] his son Ismail (as) and how they
both submitted to this order[4].

Typically, every year, people talk about this story and what moral it teaches us. And the lessons that are stressed are: (a) the complete submission to Allah's order, and (b) Ismail's obedience to his father[5] .  Also typically, if you are a father, you are much happy with the second lesson and if your children can perceive it, you will not miss the chance to teach that lesson to them. 

I am not decrying the value of the above lessons at all.  I just want to point out to a third lesson that can be inferred from that story.

If we let aside the issue of complete submission to Allah's commands, the story may be very confusing.  I once read the following: [6]

"… People might think that God must be unfair for wanting Ibrahim to kill his son, and that Ibrahim must have been crazy for even thinking about doing it.  And above all, Ismail must have been crazy for just lying there waiting to be slain, waiting to be sliced open.

However, upon reflection, the story should have profound meaning for us, especially if we are parents.  It is a very important story for all of us with children who are   adolescent or older.  Interpreted metaphorically, this wonderful story teaches parents that the time comes when they have to give up their children.  Yes, children were gifts to them and given unto their keeping - but not forever. 

Holding on to children beyond a certain point can be extremely destructive to them, and to the parents as well.  Parents need to learn how to return the gift and entrust their children to God.  They no longer belong to their parents, in a sense they are God's children now".

Some parents fail to see this.  They deny their children's right to individuate, when the children’s individuation and their ability to stand on their own feet is amongst the main signs of successful parenting.  I like the saying:  A parent is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.  That’s the ultimate goal. 

If you happen to be a father, remember that there is a time that you will have to step aside and stop impinging into your children's life.  As one father once wrote:

"It is our task as parents, at least when our children are young, to stand besides them: to brood over them, to walk beside them so as to protect them form harm whenever possible.

But we cannot be them.  We cannot be inside their sous.  They are foreigners to us.  No matter that they issue forth from our loins, no matter how many years we walk beside them, guarding them, we are inevitably outside them.  They are separate.  Lonely though it might be for both them and us, as parents we are outsiders in relation to our children.

Finally, however well we may have trained ourselves to care for them, and however many years we may have exercised that care, there comes a time, gradually or suddenly, subtly or dramatically, when we need to step aside.  It is impossible to know how to do it right.  Children are likely to blame us for doing it too soon or too late, too gently or too abruptly.  They are unlikely to appreciate how difficult it may be for parents to drastically change roles (from running their children's lives to stepping aside and passing the control to the children themselves).  But so what?  It is not an issue of ease.  It is simply of what needs to be done”[8].

I end this by sharing with you the words Khalil Gibran, who wrote:

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.  You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.  For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.  The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.  Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness; for even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."[9] 

Eid Adha Mubarak,
wassalamu alaykum
Ahmad

References
[1] First written/posted in March 2000.  First re-writing: August 2004
[2] The Arabic word “Haleem” also refers to one with soundness of mind.
[3] To slaughter him
[4] Read Quran 37:100-107
[5] This is a bit of a misconception since Ismail’s submission was actually to God’s Will and not to his father’s.  This is mentioned in Q37:103 “And when they had both submitted [to the command of Allah] …”
[6] Paraphrased from Scott’s Peck: "Further Along the Road Less Traveled".
[7] “The Secret Journey of the Peaceful Warrior”, by Dan Millman.
[8] “In Search of Stones” by Scott Peck
[9] “The Prophet” by Khalil Gibran